


Emails

by ChristineP



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Mpreg, Other, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-03
Updated: 2011-12-03
Packaged: 2017-10-26 20:43:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/287657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristineP/pseuds/ChristineP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco has a bone to pick with Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns the Harry Potter universe. I make no money from this story.

'Emails'  
by: Christine

 

 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Your son

Potter,

It has come to my attention that your son has been doing unsavory things to my own son. I request that you immediately speak to him and put a stop to it. I will not have the Malfoy name besmirched by the carnal actions of a Potter spawn against my innocent progeny. You have three days to respond before a Howler is sent to your residence.

Sincerely,

D. Malfoy

 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Re: Your son

Malfoy,

Huh? What are you talking about? And how in the name of Merlin's saggy sac did you get my wizardmail address? I don't take kindly to threats, especially coming from a pouf like you. Let me guess, you were set up in an arranged marriage because you couldn't find your own woman? And which son are you talking about? In case you've forgotten, I've got two of them. Is it James or Albus? And before you hurt the two brain cells running around in that empty space you call a head, one is a redhead and one has dark hair like me.

Potter

 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Re: Your son

Scar head,

You bloody well know which sprog I'm referring to! The one who takes after your ugly looks. What's his name. My precious son, Scorpius, told me, after I put a drop or two of Veritaserum into his pumpkin juice, that he and your identical twin son, have been having a carnal affair. I want it stopped immediately! I will not have the good name of Malfoy flung through the mud for your entertainment! If you don't do something to stop this ghastly relationship, I will!

Malfoy

 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** You drugged your own kid??

Ferret face,

You drugged your own child with Veritaserum? You should be ashamed of yourself! What kind of foul, low-life man drugs his own kid? Wait, I forgot who I was talking to. I questioned Albus, and he said he doesn't know what you're talking about. And I believe him. Kindly take your threats and shove them up your arse. And please delete my wizardmail address as soon as you get this as I'll not have you speak ill of my children any longer.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** You're an idiot

Boy-Who-Spawned,

Listen here, Potter, did you forget everything you learned in school? Veritaserum makes a person tell the truth. I'd drop some into your own son's drink if I were you and question him again. Why would my son lie? It's spending time with your in-laws that must have melted your brain. I will not ask again. You will be hearing from my lawyers if the matter is not resolved soon.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: You're an idiot

Voldemort's bitch,

Look, Malfoy, do what you have to do. I will not be drugging my son, just to have him end some made up affair you claim our sons are involved in. Do what you must.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Congrats, grandpa

Grandpa Potter,

I have just been informed by my son that I will become a grandfather very soon. You may want to ask your son once more about their illicit affair before you are up to your unmanageable hair in dirty nappies once more. But seeing who you married, you are probably used to that by now. Bloody hell! I'm too young to be a grandfather, you arse!

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Fuck

Grandpa Malfoy,

I really hate you. I asked my son what this grandfather thing was all about and he finally confessed he was carrying your son's child. Fuck. You do realize now what we're going to have to do, right? Albus is talking about possible future marriage plans with your son. Malfoy, our sons are only 17! They're too young to be fathers! And wait a bloody minute! They're both male, how the hell is this possible? Sometimes I hate being a wizard.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Re: Fuck

Potter,

It's long and complicated. I'm not looking forward to their marriage or my grandparent status. I'm only 37, damn it. My wife is in her study, bawling like a first year Hufflepuff at the news. This is not good. There will be no shagging for me for the next few weeks. Thanks, Potter.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Re: Fuck

Malfoy,

I don't care if your wife shags you or not. Eew. You think you have it bad, Ginny's not talking to me as if it were my fault! It's not like I was there, rooting them on! *sigh* I have to go, I hear Albus in the loo, being sick.

Potter


	2. Batshit Insane

**From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** McGonagall is bat shit insane

Potter,

I just received a wizardmail from McGonagall about our sons' upcoming marriage and fatherhood! I swear her tight bun has cut off the flow of blood to her brain. Look at what she sent me!

 _Mr. Malfoy,_

 _It has come to my attention that your son and Mr. Albus Severus Potter are to be wed the month after leaving school. They have informed me that they wish to take their NEWTs sooner than the projected time. Please advise your child that it is against school rules to leave before June. Also, we do not have soon-to-be parent dormitories._

 _Thank you,_

 _Headmistress Minerva McGonagall_

You see! As if my very own son doesn't know all this already. It's your son's influence, it has to be. My son is not this stupid.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: McGonagall is bat shit insane

Malfoy,

Look, I know McGonagall has become a bit fruity over the last 19 or so years, but she can't help it. George's son, Fred, has been living up to his namesake. Plus, I think someone might have slipped her one too many Lemon Drops. But I also received the same wizardmail today. Albus is 4 months along right now. By the time he has their child, it'll be a month before school ends. Now, please stop harassing me, I'm watching a good cricket game on the telly.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Cricket? What channel?

Potter,

Who's winning? Wait, I found the channel. Bah. The other team couldn't play if You-Know-Who himself was there Imperiusing them. I still think Quidditch is better. Anyway, about our sons. I received an owl the other day from Scorpius. He said that your sprog wants to have the wedding ceremony at his grandparents' house. I will not have my son and heir married at the Weasleys' laughing excuse for a home. I told my son, here at the manor would be much more dignified. He told me anything your spawn wanted, he would get. Please talk to your son. I will not have the Malfoy name besmirched, damn it!

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Cricket? What channel?

Malfoy,

You have a television?? I thought you were against all things Muggle? You might want to visit St. Mungo's and have your head examined. This doesn't sound like you at all! And I'm not telling my son he can't have his upcoming wedding where he wants to have it just because his future father-in-law is an arse. And you're right, the other team sucks.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** You're an evil man, Potter

Fellow future father-in-law,

Don't get your knickers in a twist! I just don't want my son married close to a house that could fall over any minute by a strong breeze. I would have thought that you, with your own son being the one up the duff, that you would agree. There was no need to send a Howler to the manor. My wife nearly wet herself when the bloody thing started screeching like a cat with it's arse caught in a door. Now I have to go and talk her down from the wall she just climbed.

Malfoy

***

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** You invited Goyle?

Malfoy,

I can't believe you actually talked your son into inviting Gregory Goyle to their wedding. Are you out of your mind?? Do you not remember what happened in seventh year? Room of Requirement, Fiendfyre, me saving your arse from being turned into Malfoy toast? Does any of this ring a bell? Not only that, but he eats more than a small army. I know you're paying for half of the wedding, but you do realize there will be no food left, right? And no, Albus will NOT be wearing a wedding dress. Our sons are gay, not girls.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Re: You invited Goyle?

Boy-Who-Whined,

He's a good friend! Leave him alone. At least he didn't turn on me like Crabbe did. My son is not gay! He's just bi-curious is all. Well, my wife thought he'd look smashing in a white wedding dress. My parents didn't pick her for her brains as you well know, what with your own wife. I'm surprised you two stopped at only three children.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Re: You invite Goyle?

Bouncing ferret,

 _My son is not gay! He's just bi-curious is all._ You keep telling yourself that, Malfoy, and it just might come true. Your issues with your wife are your own business, which I don't want to hear about. I told Ginny before we got married I didn't want to have more than 3 children and she agreed. What about you? Scared to have another, or did your willy fall off after your honeymoon? Let's get off the subject of wives as I got off yours. Now I have to go, Ginny's giving me THE LOOK and she hates it when I keep her waiting.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** I think I may retch

Scared of brushes,

Don't speak ill of my wife, you arse! I know where you live. And what a boring place it is too. Did you get a free issue to _The Quibbler_? And my willy is just fine, thank you. Like you'll ever get to know how well I can use it. It'll be a cold day in hell, Potter! I have to go, an owl just arrived, and by the looks of the letter in its talons, it's from Scorpius.

Malfoy


	3. Names and House-Elves

**To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Our new granddaughter

Potter,

Once more your unnatural ugliness has reproduced itself. My one and only granddaughter--and oh sweet Merlin, I'm a grandfather before my 38th birthday!--looks just like you. Did you make a deal with the Devil, Potter? Bah. And she's a cute little thing too! Why couldn't she have received her looks from my side of the family? Silver-blond hair is very fetching I'll have you know. Bah. A girl. I still can't believe it. My wife is once again in her study, moaning worse than that retched ghost at school.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Our new granddaughter

Malfoy,

I think she's a beautiful little girl. And I know you think so too. Weren't you the one who was weeping with suppressed joy the minute she was born? Why, Malfoy, I don't think I've seen you cry so much as you did that time in the bathroom in sixth year. Although, I must admit, Cassiopeia???? as a name was pretty odd. I take it your son picked out the name.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Names

Potter,

Look, her name is a constellation. You'd know that if you'd paid attention in Astronomy class. It's traditional, you uncouth deviant. My name is a constellation, Scorpius' is, and now, so is our granddaughter's. At least she wasn't named after your mother-in-law. I may have had to take my own life using nothing more than a rusty butter knife! Sweet Merlin's dangly bits! Just the thought has me scared. If it'd been up to your son, he might well have named her Ginny!

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Names

Malfoy,

I never said it wasn't pretty, I said it was odd. And there's nothing wrong with naming children after people. All of my children were named after people I knew. My mum, my dad, Dumbledore, and Snape. Anyway, Albus received special permission from McGonagall to come visit for a few days. He and your son still have a month of school left and they both asked me if I could watch Cassi until they've finished. They wanted to stay with me and Ginny until the wedding in July. It'll be odd taking care of a newborn again. When James was born I thought I'd drop him the first day I held him. But after three kids, one gets used to dealing with those things. Shit! It's already half past one, I need to Apparate to Hogwarts.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** What?!

Potter,

Scorpius didn't mention any of this to me! I need to have a talk with that boy. I swear since meeting your son, his intelligence has gone down considerably. Why in the name of Merlin's dirty pants is my granddaughter staying with you and your wife? I am perfectly capable of taking care of my heir's heir. I just received an owl from Scorpius. When I see him, he's getting a slap upside the head. He told me that as much as he loves me and his mother, he doesn't feel right having me take care of their daughter. I never! House-elves can take care of babies. Why I had Dinky changing Scorpius' nappies and such when he was born. Where IS Dinky anyway? Damn house-elf is probably nipping into the butterbeer again.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: What?!

Dinky? Did you say your house-elf's name is Dinky? Um, well, I think I know where he is. Er, he appeared outside my house a few hours ago, asking to speak to Kreacher and that was the last thing I heard. Then a few minutes ago I heard some banging coming from down in the cellar, and let's say, you don't want to know. *shivers* McGonagall gave me a very dour look earlier when I went to the school. I had to help with a few things before she'd let our children leave for the weekend. I think she was disappointed in me, but it's not my fault. I raised my son as well as I could. How was I to know male wizards could get pregnant on a full moon when the planets aligned while squealing like a pig? I have to go; Albus just showed up with your son and their daughter.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** *heaves*

I may have to Obliviate myself now, thanks. Dinky and your house-elf? Having sex? Two male house-elves? Oh god, I think I may be scarred for life. Just, gah. Yes, male wizard pregnancies are pretty rare. It's not extremely common, but it does happen. Of course, I'm thinking your son planned it from the start. He always was just like you. He even looks like you! Hold on, an owl just arrived. What the fuck! Potter! This really stupid and neurotic owl just delivered a package to me! Inside was a hand-knit jumper from your mother-in-law! No way in hell will my granddaughter wear such a hideous article of clothing. For Merlin's sake it's orange! Oh how the name of Malfoy has fallen. Oh god, now I need to go have a lie down.


	4. Weddings and Disney World

**To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Tomorrow's wedding

Potter,

I just saw the guest list. You had your sprog invite Luna Lovegood? Isn't she the batty one? Lost her marbles? Editor of _The Quibbler_? Sweet Merlin's withered willy! Please tell that bird to dress appropriately. I'll not have that odd duck walking around in garish colors. I heard the rumors about your brother-in-law's wedding to Fleur. And Longbottom? You invited him too? Isn't he the Herbology teacher now? I don't know how he became a teacher; he was never bright in school. Oh and tell your house-elf to stop coming over; it's sickening listening to him and Dinky shagging. It sounds like two Dementors sucking out souls.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Tomorrow's wedding

Malfoy,

There is nothing wrong with Luna or Neville. Please don't start anything at our sons' wedding. This is their time, not ours. It was Albus' idea to invite them anyway. Sweet Zombie Jesus you invited your parents. You know how that's going to turn out. Arthur and your father will be glaring at each other from across the wedding, fingering sharp pointy objects. Make sure you keep your father leashed. Just try not to make a scene, these are our children you know. Damn, I have to go change Cassi; Albus and your son went out for some last minute things.

Potter

***

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Ow, my head

Potter,

I must remember not to drink so much Firewhisky at the next gathering. My head feels like that oaf Hagrid sat on it. I barely remember anything after our children said 'I do'. But that doesn't tell me why my arse feels like a lamp post was shoved up it without the aid of lube. Just what the hell happened? Was there an orgy after the ceremony I didn't know of? Sweet Merlin's crusty y-fronts.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Ow, my head

Malfoy,

I have no idea. I drank a bit too much myself. All I remember is having a lie down in Ron's old room and someone coming in to join me. I thought it was Ginny. Maybe it was the pumpkin pasties and it gave us the runs? Because my arse hurts too. Ginny's not talking to me for some reason; maybe I made a fool of myself and didn't realize it. *sigh* I have to go; Cassi woke up and we're watching her while Albus and your son are off on their honeymoon to Disney World. Why two wizards want to go there for their honeymoon, I'll never know.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Re: Re: Ow, my head

Potter,

Astoria's giving me the cold shoulder also. I don't know what I did, but I'm hoping it wasn't too uncouth. Malfoy honor and all, you know. What is Disney World? I haven't heard of this place before. Is it safe for our children? I'll not have them going somewhere unsafe. All I know is they picked America for their honeymoon. I don't know why as America is rather dull and boring. Nothing to do there. I mean, they all have guns! Potter! Why'd we let our children go there?!

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Disney World

Malfoy,

It's a tourist attraction of some kind. I've never been there myself, but I guarantee you, it's safe. I don't believe Disney World has guns. It's nicknamed the 'Magic Kingdom'. Heard rumors once that an old wizard created it. I don't know how true it is, but I would have picked Rome or Athens for my honeymoon. As it was Ginny and I went to New Zealand. My arse still hurts too.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Re: Disney World

Potter,

I'm still not happy about them going off to America, but if you say it's safe and let your own son go, then I'll try not to worry. Astoria and I went to Paris, my parents paid for it all, of course. Was lovely place. Nice area to see where my ancestors originated from. I'm coming over in an hour to see my granddaughter, I haven't spent enough time with her and it's giving me fits. I asked the wife to come along, but she sneered, huffed, and then slammed the door of her study in my face. Now she's weeping like a broken faucet. I really must have made an arse of myself at the ceremony. Mine still does too. Odd that.

Malfoy


	5. Revelations

**To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Fess up, Malfoy!

Annoying git,

All right, what in the name of Merlin's sweaty arse crack did you say to Ginny? The entire time you were here visiting with Cassi, she stayed in our bedroom. I haven't seen her this riled up since the last time I agreed that her new jeans did make her arse look big. I don't want to have to do this, but if you don't tell me what you said, I'll have to forbid you from coming over to see your granddaughter.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Re: Fess up, Malfoy!

Four-eyes,

What on god's green earth are you talking about, Potter? I said nothing to your wife! She came into the sitting room, I said a quick 'hello', and left it at that. I didn't even say a word to your two remaining spawns of Satan. I was there solely to see Cassiopeia, nothing more. And don't you dare threaten me with being unable to see my own family! I have lawyers, you know. You told her that her arse looked fat? Oh, bad move, Potter.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Re: Fess up, Malfoy!

Baldy McBald Pants,

Yes, I told her that her arse looked big. She wanted the truth. If she hadn't wanted me to tell her, she shouldn't have asked me for my honest opinion. Well, something upset her. It wasn't me; I was in the loo having a movement at the time. I suppose I'll just have to ask her. *sigh* I have to go; someone's at the door.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** You suck with women

Potty,

I don't want to hear about you taking a shit, Potter! God, the images! I may need to remove my eyes now. Blah! I learned from the one time my father told my mother she looked fat, to never do such a thing. He still has the scar from the broach she threw at his head. So, who was at the door? Was it You-Know-Who come back from the grave to finally get his revenge? Oh, I hope so. Wait, no I don't; my granddaughter's over there. Damn.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Fuck

Perverted wanker,

I just talked to Ginny and she told me what happened at the wedding. It seems somehow, you and I, oh my god, just trying to type it is making me sick. Anyway, she said we shagged in Ron's old room. I don't know how I could forget such a thing, wait, this is you we're talking about. I probably locked the memory away to protect myself from the trauma of the event. Fucking shit! I can't believe we shagged in Ron's old room. And inside my in-laws' house too! Oh god. I'm so glad Albus and your son don't come back until next week. Ginny says our marriage is over, but will keep up a brave face for James and Lily. My life is over. I hope you're happy now, Malfoy.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** WHAT?!

Nasty liar,

What?! You liar! I would never in a million years touch you or your arse. Not even if you were the last human being on the planet and the only other thing to shag was the Giant Squid! We'll see about this nasty lie of yours, Potter. I'm going to ask my wife!

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: WHAT?!

Malfoy,

I wish I were making this up. I was going to pack my bags, but Ginny said she'd leave and live with her parents instead. She also says I get to keep the children since James is 19 and Lily's 15, that doesn't leave me that many years with them. *sigh* At least I have Cassi. Until her parents come home anyway. I think I'll go get drunk.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Re: Re: WHAT?!

Potter,

Okay, so you were telling the truth. Astoria wants a divorce too, but she wants half of the Malfoy fortune. Ha! Won't she be surprised when she finds out there's not much left after paying the families of those killed in the war and bribing officials to keep my father out of Azkaban. She'll be lucky to get two Galleons. I'll be damned before she gets the manor; it's been in our family for thirty generations. I don't even think it would let her in if she weren't married. Good luck to her. Oh and you think your life sucks? My father is coming over tomorrow to 'talk' with me about what happened. Joy. I'm 38 years old and I still want to protect my arse with the softest surface I can find. I hate you, Potter.

Malfoy


	6. Daddies

**To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Father came by

Potter,

I had a lovely chat with father this morning. My arse and head still hurt from the chat. He was disappointed in me, what a surprise, that. Told me how I was dishonoring the Malfoy name with my extramarital affair and having a granddaughter who isn't a pure-blood. As if I could help that aspect. And it wasn't as if you and I met in a darkened alley to have wild monkey sex. We were drunk! I didn't even get the benefit of remembering if it was good or not! Of course, since it was with you, it probably was the worst time of my life. Of course, now that I know what we did, I can still see the faint outline of a hickey on my shoulder. Thought that was a bug bite. Damn, Potter, didn't realize you were part vampire.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Father came by

Malfoy,

Eew, Malfoy. Are you trying to tell me you enjoyed our drunken time together? Wow, your father must have slapped you harder than I thought he would. Albus owled me earlier, said he and your son were having a fabulous time in Disney World. Oh, sweet Merlin. He used the word fabulous! I swear if he starts talking ill of Muggle-borns I'm going over to the Manor and thrashing you! And if I don't, Hermione will. Speaking of Ron and Hermione, they came over today. I spent the last four hours listening to Hermione bitch at me about cheating on Ginny. I didn't do it on purpose! Everyone always blames me like it's my fault. Is it my fault I can't hold my liquor? I have to go; Cassi just woke up and I need to feed her. Why do I feel like I'm the mother here?

Potter

***

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** I feel sick suddenly

Potter,

It's been two months since we had our little 'affair' and I'm feeling ill now. Oh holy fucking hell! You gave me a disease, didn't you! It must have been contracted from your wife! I heard the rumors going around school about her loose morals! Oh Sweet baby Merlin! I hate going to the mediwizard, you wanker! I've been throwing up and my chest hurts! I don't want more 'talks' with my father, Potter! I'm leaving in a few minutes to have them check me over; if I got anything nasty from you, I'm bringing out the lawyers! You mark my words!

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: I feel sick suddenly

Malfoy,

What in Merlin's name are you talking about? I don't have a disease! And neither does Ginny! If anyone has any STDs, it's you! I heard rumors about those Death Eater orgies. Heard they passed you around like Americans pass around blunts! Speaking of sickness, I've been feeling a might poorly myself. Oh my god! If you gave me something and I unknowingly passed it to Ginny, she's going to kill me! Fuck. I hate you, Malfoy.

Potter

***

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** You'll be hearing from my lawyers!

Potter,

I just came back from the mediwizard and they told me I am with child. YOUR child! Fuck! You dirty, rotting, Muggle-loving arse! I'm too old and too pretty to get fat! Especially with your demon spawn, Potter! Don't think you can get away with this! This is unheard of! Please don't tell me we shagged on a full moon while the planets were aligned and squealed like pigs! You know how bloody RARE male wizard pregnancies are! You planned this to humiliate me and the name Malfoy! I know you did. You will be hearing from my lawyers and don't even THINK of leaving; I'm coming over right now to throttle you!

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: You'll be hearing from my lawyers!

Malfoy,

You're what? You're a fucking liar, that's what you are, Malfoy! There is no way this can happen! I'm ALSO with child. What the hell, did we take turns or something. I need a Pensieve! No wait, I don't want a Pensieve. I think living through it once was enough; I don't want to remember. And you're not coming over; Albus and your son will be here in a few days and I still have Cassi. I'm not going to allow you to shout and throw pointy objects at me while she's here. Um, I have to go, I....

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** I hate you, Potter

Potter,

Well, isn't this a fine mess. We're both pregnant and I can't even smite you properly. Even though I hate you, you're carrying my child and I yours. I really don't want to tell my father again. My arse still hurts from our last 'talk'. You are an evil man, Potter. I have to go; I don't think the salmon with chocolate ice cream agreed with me.

Malfoy


	7. It's Going to Come Out Where?

**To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** I look like I swallowed the Giant Squid

Potter,

Have I told you I hate you recently? Now I know how my wife felt when she was carrying Scorpius. And of course, this is her payback for all the times I laughed in my study at her moods. Father wasn't pleased by the recent turn of events. Of course, the only good from all this was he couldn't spank me this time. Mother wouldn't let him, even though I ran once I heard the sound of his belt leaving the loops of his trousers. Mother commented how she'd never seen a five-month pregnant person run as fast as I did. Mother has threatened him with no sex and a detached willy if he tried. Astoria left me and I received the divorce paperwork via owl post the other day. As I thought, she's trying to get half of the Malfoy fortune. I'll be sure to dig in the sofa for any loose change; that's basically all we have left.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@ wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: I look like I swallowed the Giant Squid

Malfoy,

Your father still spanks you at YOUR age? Excuse me while I laugh...HAHAHA! Oh sweet tentacle porn! Oh, wait until I tell my old housemates this. Thanks for the laugh, Malfoy. I think I busted something with that one. As for being huge, you forget I am also five months pregnant. No thanks to you. Ginny left me also, but she says she's going to wait until after the birth of our child to serve me the paperwork. Said it wouldn't be good for the baby. Whatever that means. I really hate being a wizard.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Tentacle porn?

Potter,

Trying to tell me something, Potter? I always knew you were one sick bastard, but I didn't know you were into weird fetishes too. Wait until I tell MY old housemates about THAT one! HA! Got you back! I'm going to come over in a few hours. I haven't seen my granddaughter, or my son for that matter, in a few weeks. You haven't kidnapped my son, have you, Potter? I do have my lawyers on retainer. Think I'll lie down for a bit; my ankles are swollen.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Tentacle porn?

Malfoy,

It was an expression, you ugly git! Do I LOOK like I view tentacle porn? My only fetish is blonde haired, grey-eyed women with luscious hooters. Um, why am I telling you this? And did I just type 'hooters'? Damn American television. This is what I get for watching reruns of Married with Children. *sigh*

Potter

***

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Not looking forward to the delivery

Potter,

I was just told by the mediwizard how I will be giving birth. I think I cried for a week straight. As neither of us were in the delivery room when Cassiopeia was born, I had no idea of how your demon spawn birthed our granddaughter. When he told me how it was done, my arse hole clenched up and my willy wilted. I haven't had an erection since then. Oh dear Merlin's bloomers, how is THAT going to be possible?

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Not looking forward to the delivery

Malfoy,

Oh thanks for the head's up, Malfoy. I had yet to see my mediwizard this month. I was scheduled to go in today, now I think I'm going to cry. Thanks ever much so. *whimpers* And I thought the proctological exams were bad. Well, now neither of us can ever be accused of being a tight arse again. Cassi woke up and I need to go feed and change her. You would think with Albus and your son living here, they'd at least take care of their own child. But no, all they do is go out and shag. *sigh* To be 17 again. Wait, I was a virgin until I was 20. My life really sucked.

Potter


	8. Bored Now

**To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** I'm bored

Potter,

It's awfully boring sitting here at the Manor all by myself. I think I actually miss my wife's spastic titters every few minutes. Even my house-elf is barely ever here. I'm just glad male house-elves can't get pregnant. Can you imagine that? Sweet Merlin's saggy man-boobs! Being nine months pregnant sucks. I can no longer see my willy, so I keep missing the loo. My beautiful shining white porcelain toilet is probably dingy yellow by now. Will you please tell your house-elf to remove his willy from within Dinky, so he can come and clean my house? I'm beginning to see dust bunnies running around.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: I'm bored

Malfoy,

Sorry to hear you're bored, but what do you want me to do about it? I think I'd prefer the quiet solitude to the noise of my three children, one granddaughter, and one son-in-law. Since when did my house become a hotel? I know Lily has to remain as she's still underage, even in the wizarding world, but James is 19 and just sits around the house in his y-fronts and an old holey shirt, watching the telly. I keep telling him to use the five NEWTs he passed, but he says he's taking a vacation from thinking. It's rather humiliating when Ron and Hermione come over with Rose and Hugo, and I have to toss a sheet over James as he won't move from the sofa. I think it's the stress of mine and Ginny's divorce. *sigh* If I see Dinky, I'll send him over, but Lily told me he and Kreacher ran off to elope. I didn't know house-elves married. Cassi's up and I have to change her and feed her. I may need you to come over and talk some sense into your son, neither of them are listening to me anymore. Maybe we shouldn't have let them marry so young. All they ever do is go out or stay in and shag. I'm on the verge of finding a prostitute who won't ask questions about a pregnant wizard.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Re: Re: I'm bored

Potter,

My son hasn't listened to a word I've said since he started his illicit affair with your sprog; what makes you think he'd listen now? If you find a good no-questions-asked prostitute, let me know; I'm feeling amorous myself now a days. I haven't shagged anyone since you at the wedding. I'm afraid if I don't shag soon, my willy will no longer function as so. Dinky eloping with your house-elf? Did someone slip something into the butterbeer I don't know of? I'd love to visit, as I haven't seen my granddaughter since I was seven months along, but I can barely walk to the loo. I think Apparation is out of the question at this point. Even knowing where my child will be coming out of, I'm actually quite looking forward to it now. Mostly so I can actually aim at the toilet properly. I have to go; I think a dust bunny is on the rampage.

Malfoy

***

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** I hurt

Potter,

As you well know, as you were there when I had our son, my arse hurts. I swear it felt like I had a bad bout of constipation, then expelled one of Hagrid's gigantic pumpkins out of my arse. I'm just glad I haven't needed to use the loo any time soon. I'm here at home, watching our son sleep. I haven't named him yet, since even though I hate your guts, he's still yours too. So I'd like your opinion. If you tell me to name him after someone I will have to kill you. I might not have killed Dumbledore, but be sure I will you if you pick a stupid name.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** I was kind of busy

Malfoy,

There was no need to spam my account with links to tentacle porn. I told you before that was an expression. And you must have been either really bored or a really nasty pervert to actually go looking for tentacle porn to spam me with. Since you couldn't be here to witness me having our daughter, I was busy. I have no clue what to name our son, let alone our daughter. I'm just relieved I can't breast feed. It would have looked mighty odd having a baby sucking at my chest. Why no, officer, I'm NOT a pedophile; why do you ask? *sigh* I'm tired. I've been watching Cassi and our daughter. I'm just glad Lily doesn't mind helping when she's not in school.

Potter


	9. Randy

**To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Randy

Potter,

All right, Potter. As I am tired of having to search the sofa for loose change to pay for a decent shag, I'm coming over. Prepare yourself for a good buggering. I will NOT take no for an answer. I haven't shagged in months and my willy is giving me dirty looks. You will, naturally, be the one on the bottom as my arse will not be breached a second time. Oh and do me a favor, don't squeal like a pig. With our luck, there will be a full moon and the planets will be aligned.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Randy

Malfoy,

Have you lost what little mind you had? I'm not letting you come over to fuck me six ways from Sunday. I've got four children and one grandchild and your son living here. Who's going to care for our son your caring for? Wait, are you bringing him over? Malfoy, I'll give you the bloody money to go buy a shag. Don't come over here. I have to go I hear someone at the door.

Potter

***

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Willy is happy

Potter,

Ah, what a fine day that was the other day. I had to tie you up and it took me a while to find the cooking oil, but that was rather great. And thank Merlin there were no full moons. I don't think I could handle another child right now. Sweet Merlin's drag queen ensemble! We're turning into the Weasleys. My father had stopped me on my way out, wondering where I was headed to. I had to give him the slip and tell him I was going shopping. I don't think he bought it, so I've been walking around with a pillow inside my trousers. It makes my arse look rounder I think. Anyway, since Dinky is in his cupboard, shagging Kreacher, I've got to go feed and change our son.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** I hate you

Malfoy,

You are extremely lucky my wand was nowhere in sight! You took advantage of me! There I was, finishing up my wizardmail with you, and answering the door and you pounced on me! You move fast though. My arse is sore now. I couldn't sit for a whole day! Lily kept looking at me, wondering why I kept saying I preferred to stand. Next time, you're on the bottom. I feel like my arse is dragging on the ground now. Although, I will admit, I am no longer having sordid dreams of tentacles doing naughty things to my person.

Potter


	10. The Phantom Ending

**To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Our son's name

Potter,

Since it's been four months since I crapped out our son, and you have yet to come up with a suitable name. I have taken the liberty of naming him Altair. It's a fine, regal name. Also, it was better than calling out 'oi! short smelly one!' Now, please do likewise and name our daughter and it better not be anyone I know from school. It was bad enough going through it once.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Re: Our son's name

Malfoy,

What is it with you and the constellations? I had to look up our son's name as I had a feeling you would name him after stars, and I was right. Although, you're right; it's a nice name. So I'll keep my wand to myself this time. And yes, I've already named our daughter. I had this strange dream one night. In this dream, you, me, and all the others were the by product of some woman's inner musings. She knew everything about our lives! I'm just glad she never wrote about us shagging or what came out when we went to the loo. This lady left such an impression on me, I named our child after her.

Potter

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** THAT's the name you chose??

Potter,

I always knew you had a few screws loose, but you named our daughter after a dream woman? I do believe the war affected you more than I thought. I am coming over immediately to check on you. I have heard of the powers of healing butt sex. So I'm hoping this will heal you of your mental deficiencies. Besides, my willy's giving me evil looks again, and I hate it when it does that.

Malfoy

***

 **To:** potterh81@ministry.org  
 **From:** blondambition@wizardnet.com

 **Subject:** Your children suck

Potter,

Ever since I moved into the house known as hell, or YOUR house, I have had my hands full. Dinky and your house-elf have been shagging non-stop for the last four hours while you are at work. I really wish we could give them clothes just to get rid of them. The noises and smell is making me sick. Your oldest finally got up from the sofa, only to use the loo, before sitting his arse back down in front of the television. I am close to setting a fire under his arse. Your daughter, who looks so much like your ex-wife, keeps giving me dirty looks. She keeps stealing all the Weasley made jumpers from the burn pile I've set up. It's making me cranky. OUR son is just the most adorable of the bunch, next to OUR daughter of course. Your other spawn scare me. Bugger, I have to go; I need to take the hose to Dinky and your house-elf again.

Malfoy

 **To:** blondambition@wizardnet.com  
 **From:** potterh81@ministry.org

 **Subject:** Why are you bothering me at work?

Draco,

We live together now; why are you wizardmailing me at work? I'm very busy. Head Auror, you know. Lots of work. Dark wizards to catch, exploding diaphragms, and leaking septic tanks. And please, keep your willy in your pants when I get home; I still haven't recovered from last night, the night before, or the twenty nights before that. I haven't had a movement since the time you used a Summoning spell on me. My poor arse hurts. Now let me get back to work please. Oh, give the children my love; tell James to get his spreading arse off the sofa before I get home. Tell Lily to let you burn a few of the jumpers (Mrs Weasley is getting senile in her later years). Leave the house-elves alone; they won't pick up clothing anymore. And spray down Albus and Scorpius' room; it's beginning to smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cat house. And give kisses to Cassi, Jo, and Al. See you when I get home.

Harry

***

 **To:** Readers  
 **From:** Christine

 **Subject:** The End

 **Cast of Characters:**

Draco--my daddy still spanks me--Malfoy. Harry Potter's lover and father of their daughter. Co-grandpa of Albus and Scorpius' accidental spawn. Keeper of the Ouchie Chair, handcuffs, and cooking oil. Owner of Dinky. Voldemort's bitch back in their teenybopper days. Never finished school, the lazy bitch.

Harry--my arse hurts--Potter. Draco Malfoy's lover and father of their daughter. Co-grandpa of Albus and Scorpius' ass baby. Wearer of glasses. He of the unmanageable hair and shitty clothing style. Ex-husband of Ginny Weasley-Potter. Father of three children he named after dead people. I suppose he sees dead people. ha!

Albus--daddy my arse hurts now--Potter-Malfoy. Father/mother of Cassiopeia Potter-Malfoy. Snuggle bunny, come receptacle, and personal trampoline of Scorpius. Looks eerily like Harry, Draco keeps getting confused.

Scorpius--my daddy's scared of his daddy--Malfoy. Father of Albus' daughter. Son of Draco Malfoy. Looks eerily like Draco. Is arse hole whipped and Albus' bitch. Loves his snuggle bunny so much they can't seem to stop shagging.

And the others I'm too lazy and unimaginative to make up stupid ass 'funny shit' about. =p

The End, that's it, no more. Nada, zip, zero, the big goose egg. Not a dime to my name. A big loser with a capital L on my forehead. Thanks for reading, was fun.


End file.
